These past few weeks I've been working on a college research project with my AP juniors. On a daily basis, students approach me with the following concern: "how am I supposed to complete this project when I don't even know what I want to study in college or do with my life?" I'm forced to remind them, for the umpteenth time, that colleges don't necessarily care about what you want to do, they care that you're driven and motivated to do something. Once you get there, you can change your mind. So I tell them to pick something and go boldly in that direction.
Inevitably when I'm giving such repetitive advice, I find myself pondering whether or not I'm following it myself. Am I going boldly in any direction right now? It turns out I'm not.
I've had this non-fiction/memoir in my head all year long, but haven't exactly been able to get a solid start on it. Why? Fear. I'm afraid I'm not a talented enough writer and that I'll let people down if I attempt something too great and totally fail. I keep spending time on the little things (like putting together a scrapbook of old newspaper clippings about my subject or reading books by other authors who wrote in a similar genre to start thinking about my own "angle") in order to sidestep the actual writing work I know I need to do.
Listening to my fear of failure is a trap I fall in far too often. It looms over me every time I sit down to write, every time I start researching, every time I think about setting up interviews. But the truth is that I can either fail right now as I sit typing at my computer - I can quit and nobody will judge me for it because not too many people know about this passion project of mine and because I'm good at making excuses - or I can persevere and get through drafting a manuscript that, after many editing sessions, I can attempt to find a publisher for. If I fail then, fail to publish a memoir I'm proud of writing, what of it?
The truth is I don't know. I've always been too scared to pursue anything that I deem "risky". I take the safe road, plain and simple. Why did I become a teacher? Because I knew the system, I knew the schedule, I knew that if I followed a prescribed path I would easily attain the goal. That's why writing scares me. There's no "do these things and you'll be a writer" formula out there. It's sheer luck, a lot of hard work, and a bit of talent emerging at precisely the right moment.
But it will all be worth it. I figure if I can run a marathon (Portland Marathon, 2007) and complete a 50,000 word draft of a novel in a month (NaNoWriMo, 2008), then I should be able to go boldly in the direction of writing an actual memoir and see what happens.
That's great, Jess. I'm currently attempting to do what I've always wanted to do--write a novel--and it's hard because I don't know exactly where I want to go in the plot. And also I'm afraid it really sucks. Finding time to do it is an issue as well. It's really easy to find excuses NOT to do these things, and much harder to actually do them. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteYay! A new Jess blog. I have checked religiously every week. I thought you abandoned it. You are a talented writer my dear. And you're not alone in your novel aspirations. As we've discussed I've had a hundred some page beginning languishing for many years. Jen I know is in a women's writing club, and they encourage each other to write their great novels. Perhaps there's a group you can join.
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